Webby Tiger Piss Archives

Midnight Coffee

Nearing midnight on 12-15-13, I was in the kitchen and in full Ambien gear. My mother got up to check on me and asked if I was okay. “Yep, ” I responded. “Just getting the coffeemaker ready for you in the morning.”

She said, “Okay,” and headed back to bed, and she was almost asleep when I began grinding coffee… at midnight. She told me the next morning that she didn’t get up again but grumbled, “Jerrod, really?”

just have to catch the filthy beast

From a Skype conversation with Adam J. Whitlatch – December 8, 2013 at 11:07pm

I had just sent him a cropped picture of a person in mech armor free falling in the air while discussing it as possible cover art, then I started to go on him:

Adam Whitlatch: Did I hit the wrong thing or did you cancel?

Jerrod Balzer: I cancelled. Wrong thing

Jerrod Balzer: I was sending wrong thing

Adam Whitlatch: Yeah… I like that. That’s a better crop.

Jerrod Balzer: That’s a definite possibility

Adam Whitlatch: what do you think for a font color?

Jerrod Balzer: PINK

Adam Whitlatch: Red to complement the armor? Or would that be too much?

Jerrod Balzer: too much

Adam Whitlatch: IT’S NOT PINK!!!1! IT’S LIGHTISH RED!!!

Jerrod Balzer: Marshmallow font

Adam Whitlatch: What’s wrong with Comic Sans?

Jerrod Balzer: Needs shocalot shortbread from Milan for the poor flying boy before he gets sick.

Adam Whitlatch: ???

Adam Whitlatch: You getting Webby on me, bro? lol

Jerrod Balzer: the goblins have all the buckets and they’re poinding everything to irish music it’s great backgrannd

Adam Whitlatch: Yeeeeah… you’re gone. lol

Adam Whitlatch: I think it’s time for you to hit the sack, buddy.

Jerrod Balzer: yj third act is about to begin!

Jerrod Balzer: just have to catch the filthy beast

Adam Whitlatch: Good luck with that. lol

Rice Krispie treats are phenomenal.

Posted on a Friend’s Facebooks Status discussing the band, Korn – November 16, 2013

Jerrod Balzer: Dude, they use “K” in Rice Krispies, which are awesome. That shit talks to you and if you put just the right amount of milkl in the bowl and listen closely, they’re reveal either the secrets of the universe or the combination to unlock a hidden safe in Korn’s rehearsal studio. Also, Rice Krispie treats are phenomenal. They’re even better if you swap out the Krispies for Kellogg’s cornflakes. Kellogg’s also begins with “K” and the flakes are from corn, which closely resembles Korn. So make treats but with cornflakes, mix in green food coloring, shape it into a wreath on tinfoil and sprinkle red hots around on it. Add a bow and you’ve got a kickass Christmas treat to show off while playing Korn. No one will eat it because green cornflakes look weird, so you can have it to yourself later

like a trapeze bartender wih clap

It’s been a long time since a WTP incident, namely because I’ve been going to bed like I’m supposed to. However, I’ve had some funny ones pop up lately so I’d best share them before they’re forgotten.

Posted on a Friend’s Facebook Status discussing the original Batman Nintendo game – October 22, 2013 at 9:42pm

Jerrod Balzer:It plays better when you pee on it.then if shake it like a trapeze bartender wih clap.

Posted a Webby game!

I created a free arcade site for KHP over HERE so we, and everyone else, could enjoy flash games without all the pop-up crap that other places have, and it looks like I put a game up a little while back on Ambien!

I didn’t mess it up or anything, and it’s a fun game. The description is a bit humorous, though.

CHECK IT OUT

**UPDATE: We had to burn the Arcade down because it was getting 2 million hits a month, which was overloading the server. My bad.

pee pee see monkeys

Posted on Adam J. Whitlatch’s Facebook – February 28th, 2013

Jerrod Balzer: youu r pee pee see monkeys are calling my computere and askeing for cookies. What do I say?

Adam J Whitlatch: What kind of cookies?

Jerrod Balzer: walnut sugar tarts with icing.

Jerrod Balzer: but i sneezlesd ona hiney bar and they licked that.

Jerrod Balzer: Th3 greatest deteecteve in the world said “Wowsers!” Remember that.

Omar the toilet dog

Posted on Facebook – December 17, 2012

I was in another Facebook debate when the Ambien kicked in. As my friend Adam Whitlatch, says (who was listening on Skype while it went down), “Man, you went to the bathroom and somewhere between the bathroom and the recliner you went from 0 to webby.”

I won’t get into the debate crap. Instead, I’ll go straight to the lulz. The posts below were all by me, but separate, consecutive posts, so I imagine the people involved in the conversation were scratching their heads when checking their emails notifications:

omar is all wet now

he’s the guy with eh locnar

no

he’s related to falcor! He doesn’t give you ovaltine. But he likes it when you pee on him.

he smiles a lot wen you do that

moar is a little dog that lives int eh toilte

and if you pee on him he’ll smile and give you a shortbread cookie

George Carlin had one.

omar wish es he was famouss but he lives in a toilet.

poor omar

piss on him

I threw a bear claw at omar once and he gained super powers. started making toast with sprinkles and red hots.

Except the red hots tasted like pee.

because I peed on omar’s shitty sprinkle toast. You can’t let some toilet dog work a toaster like that. It’s wrong.

Let’s eat this!

Posted on jerrodbalzer.com – November 22, 2012

I was having a really bad day, yesterday, with extra painful seizures, etc. I just couldn’t stop the spasms. My hands were jerking back over and over so that my wrists were killing me, etc, etc. Anyway, by 5:30pm, I figured to hell with it and went to bed. I’d had enough Benadryl in me to snooze for a while, and it felt better than what I was going through, even though I was still doing it while I slept.

Anyway, to the funny part!

I woke up at about 8:30pm and took my pills, including Ambien. Then I sat there for a while, waiting for muscle relaxers to kick in and relieve some of the pain before trying to sleep some more. Nope! I got webby instead.

I stood up and told Robin there are pork steaks in the fridge and they needed cooked. I put them on the grill (we have a Flavorwave oven that I love to cook on) and doctored them up. Then I put some nice big potatoes in the microwave. The baked potatoes were done way before the steaks, of course, so I buttered them up, put salt and pepper on them, and said, “Let’s eat this!”

She joined me at the table and we enjoyed our potatoes. When we were finished, I turned the steaks over and put them on for a little longer, then I got the dog treats out was determined to teach our dog, Opal, to speak before they were done. Nash knows how, but Opal has always been stubborn with that command. Well, several treats later, I put them up and went to bed.

Robin was like, “Um, what about the steaks?”

But I was out like a light. When the oven beeped, she ate a small one and put the rest away, and I didn’t even remember making them when I got up today.