I’m certainly not the first to get hate mail from the deranged idiot, Nickolaus Pacione. After all, he steadily goes after such greats as Brian Keene, Poppy Z. Brite, and Ray Garton, to name but a few. But tonight I got some love from him, and he not only goes after me, but my wife.

For those who don’t know, he runs a lulu-based “publishing” company called Lake Fossil Press. He can’t write himself out of his urine-stained sleeping bag, so he tries to make a name for himself by attacking bigger authors, equating infamy with fame. I hear he’s also been taken to the hospital for having transformers stuck up his ass.

When Skullvines Press debuted with Tabloid Terrors, he accused us of copying his Tabloid Purposes books, thinking that he somehow cornered the whole “tabloid” thing. Well, National Enquirer and Weekly World News, which we were creating a parody of, existed long before those things of his.

Anyway, Brian Keene has signed with Skullvines for his first bizarro novel, which carries a working title of Lake Fossil. So Nicky is a tad upset about it.

Well seriously, fuck him. I think it’s a great title for Brian’s book, it fits the plot, and it’s going to kick ass.

Anyway, first I get an email through the Skullvines Press contact form titled:

Jerrod: a friendly warning

I am not going to be as nice by the time this is all said and done. I hope all the shit your friends art giving me and misrepresenting my imprint — I hope there is a posse that gives your wife the same amount of shit and ten fold than what I get.

By the time that’s all said and done, your wife will find home in a padded cell and white coats looking for her. I think you and your fuckbuddy Keene are really delusional about what what’s the home of Lake Fossil Press. My magazine doesn’t have a fucking unicorn on it.

So think twice you fat fuck because I will show no fucking mercy to any of you.

So if you’re wife hangs herself because all the shit that everyone throws at her — I will just say, “I told you so motherfucker.”

GET FUCKED YOU FUCKING PLAGIARIST.

After that, I get a Facebook message saying:

I hope everything your so called “friends” thrown at me gets thrown at your wife ten times worst. Keene not only dissed my company but dissed one of my star authors. I managed to get Ray Nelson, so I demand that you give the company a little more respect because I got something you don’t have — star power. And if you see your “friends” turning on you and putting all that shit they thrown at me and throw it at Robin, don’t say I told you so. The threats of having me locked in a rubber room, what if they did that to Robin.

Well, I love you, too, sweet-cheeks. And Robin said, “I hope he shits bricks with hemorrhoids.”

***Update:

More love from his Facebook:

Subject: you could have prevented all of this

by not linking the fucking domain lakefossilpress and think of publishing a novel called LAKE FOSSIL — do you want people thinking Lake Fossil to be written by Brian Keene or a science fiction series that’s written by me. They will associate Lake Fossil with me because I’ve been going as LAKE FOSSIL on a social networking website, and not as ning. Take what I say as someone who’d say exactly what I say to your face.

Either stop with the process of your “novel” or I go to the press where you live saying you’re fucking with someone who has a similar illness as your wife. I am far from being an idiot and I’ve sold my work to publications where you don’t have a publishing history. My publishing history goes back to as far as being 20. It’s hard enough that one of your writers organzied a boycott of everything I’ve done.

As long you do those libelous accusations with Hasbro toys or claim that my magazine has a fucking unicorn on the cover. You will always be a horror target in my eyes. I am giving you one fair shot to cease from doing that novel or I will start using titles of your publications for my work.

Nick, I heard about the transformers incident. I didn’t state it as fact, except for the fact that I heard about it. The source claims to have a copy of the actual medical records. What I want to know is, did you have to pay for the robot’s therapy?

Since titles for works can’t be copyrighted, use mine all you want. Here is a list of my stories’ titles and I’d love to see you write something sharing the same name:

Zombie Bastard

“Wolf Plugs” from Dark Jesters is about silver butt plugs to ward off werewolves. You like butt plugs, right?

Tabloid Terrors 1 has such titles as “I was a Sasquatch Sex Slave,” “Scandalous Love Triangle Between Scientist and Two Bears,” “Abominable Snow Woman Bodyslams Igloo in Crazed Rampage,” and “Why Do Skunk Apes Stink?” I’m sure you can relate well to most of those titles.

Tabloid Terrors 2 has the following by me: “Nessie Tried to Pimp My Wife!,” “A Very Squishy Date Rape: Sog Monkeys After Dark,” and “Golden Mermaid has Shitty Midget Fetish.” And no, Nick, that last one isn’t about you.

Tabloid Terrors 3 has these: “Alien Midgets Go Hi-Ho on the Ho-Ho,” (again, not about you though I can see where you’d get confused), and “Close Encounters of the Turd Kind: A Family Tragedy.” Okay, that one is about a guy who shits himself after being exposed to brown rays. It’s technically about you but you were the inspiration.

Write away!