Category Archives: Fun
Happy holidays!
To everyone, however way you celebrate, and if even you don’t, I hope you have a wonderful and safe weekend.
We’ll have some family over tomorrow for a nice, leisurely get-together. Robin and I want to thank everyone for the gifts received, and we do consider friendship and smiles to be very valuable gifts – doesn’t have to be tangible, and that’s usually the best we have to offer, but we try to give it often.
A few days ago, I showed off my very first Christmas so everyone could laugh at my bald self, lol.
Today, I’d like to show a few of my favorite videos to bring in the holiday. Enjoy!
What can you do with your kuchi?
I found this video to be very educational:
Thanks to Adam J. Whitlatch for sharing this kuchi with me.
Six Names
Everyone has six names:
1. Your real name: Jerrod Balzer
2. Your detective name (favorite color and favorite animal): Green Bat
3. Your soap opera name (middle name and street you live on): Benjamin Clark
4. Your Star Wars name (first 3 letters of last name, first 2 of middle name, first 2 of first, last 3 of last): Bal Bejezer
5. Superhero name (Color of your shirt and first item to your right): Red Remote
6. Goth name (black and name of one of your pets): Black Nash
What are yours?
What really happened to the Rapture
I know it’s late, but I love this pic that my friend, Val, posted elsewhere. It nails what most likely threw a wrench in Camping’s plans:
“Oooh yeeeah!
Phone call from Pacione!
I just received my very first threatening phone call from Nickolaus Pacione! It was hilarious! The conversation went something like this:
JB: Hello?
NP: Why you trying to ruin my company?
JB: What? Oh! Is this Nick?
NP: Look, asshole, don’t publish any book called “Lake Fossil.”
JB: Okay.
*silence*
JB: Still there, bud?
NP: You’re a plagiarist!
JB: How’s that?
NP: You’re stealing my company name!
JB: So, publish a book and call it “Skullvines.”
NP: You can’t do that, butthole!
JB: Sure you can. You can call a book whatever you want. They’re not copyrighted.
NP: *mumbling*
JB: What? Take that dick out of your mouth and speak up.
NP: I’m gonna kick your ass!
JB: You know where I live. Hell, you’ll make it easy on me because the jail house is across the street. I can just beat your ass and drag you over there.
NP: Leave my company alone or I’ll expose Karen Koehler again!
JB: First, I’m not doing anything to you or your company. Second, how are you going to expose Karen? She’s nothing to hide.
NP: What about your wife? I’ll make it so she tries to kill herself when I’m through.
JB: *aside* Hey Robin, it’s Pacione. *Robin laughs*
NP: I’m not the one living with a psycho.
JB: Ha! Look who’s talking! Plus, Robin is nothing like you, and she writes better.
NP: I was published in Withersin!
JB: The fuck is Withersin?
NP: Motherfucker!
*dog barks in the background*
JB: Hey, is that a dog? Do you have a dog?
NP: Yeah, a black lab.
JB: Oh, I love black labs! They’re great dogs.
NP: You need to leave my company’s title alone! That’s my ultimatum to you!
JB: Do you ever smear peanut butter on your body and let your black lab lick it off?
NP: I’ll – I’ll expose you! I’ll expose your nature!
JB: What do you mean? What’s my nature?
NP: You’re a faggot!
JB: Oh now, sweetie. Keep talking like that and I’ll bring up those pictures of you and me making out on the beach. Those were great times, though I wish you’d worn more deodorant. But we were being so passionate that I didn’t mind much.
NP: *mumbling*
JB: What’s that? Slow down, you’re talking too fast.
NP: *mumbling* what I’m gonna do to you *mumbling*
JB: Huh? What are you gonna do with me, baby?
NP: Y-you worm!
JB: What are you gonna do with my worm?
NP: … asshole!
JB: You want my worm in your asshole? Well, you’d better wash your ass before I put my worm in there.
*click* He was gone.
That chicken saying…
You know that saying, “If you can’t eat chicken, choke it.”
Actually, I just made that up.
But I’m not going to masturbate.
I just really wish I had some chicken.
And yes, I know the dog is fucking a duck, not a chicken. I bet if there was a chicken there, he’d fuck it, though.
I need to go to bed.
Placenta!
I hear it’s healthy to eat your placenta, so the moment I find mine, I’m gonna gobble it up.
Well, maybe dry it out first. I hear that’s best.
So where could it be? I’ve been looking around all night but I’ll be damned if I see one. This could take a while.
Is there a Scientologist in the house?
Oh noes! I am ended!
Nickolaus Pacione just ended me HERE in his blog. I don’t know what to do now, except maybe rub myself in peanut butter and play in the snow outside his house. He’s only a few hours away from me, after all.
Hey, thanks to my friends at Rusty Nail for their kind words and lots of continued laughs HERE. It is THE place to go for all things Nitwit.
And all this talk from Nicky about padded cells. Has he been listening to the “Padded Cell” episodes I did with S.D. Hintz? It was something we did for fun but we haven’t bothered with it since. Here they are:
***Update:
More love in this email, this time attacking everyone at KHP. He really thinks we’re trying to have some kind of war with him, or I guess he’s declared war on us. Whatever. I think we just make him horny. He can rant all he wants and we’ll surely laugh at his delusional accusations, but in the end, we’re too busy working hard on quality titles to do what he’s saying.
Gotta love having a stalker:
an ultimatum
Either cease and desist from putting out a novel called LAKE FOSSIL or I will go after all your assets as a publishing company by using the courts and the press to do so. Going around using the bullshit domain http://www.lakefossilpress.net doesn’t help your argument against me because that is a fucking mockery of my imrpint.
I’ve seen the cute little post that the fat ass loser Jerrod Balzer made of me on his blog. I am actually reporting that blog entry to his web host and I will have his website yanked from under him the more you fucks libel the shit out of me every step of the way. It will only give me fuel to use the media to throw all the shit back in your face.
I am addressing Jerrod, Hintz and Koehler with this one because Koehler had some questionable practices of stalking my real life friends. So you three fucks want to piss on my imprint. I will put to light how SKullvines subscribed to cyberbullying and making defamitory comments at my expense on The Other Dark Place. I will also inform the press how Black Death Books got a copy of my memior and not saying where they got it from — I know where you cunts got it from. It was pirated the day before the book came out.
So the ultimatum — either take everything down of my name, my company, and cease with any plans of publishing “Fake Fossil” by Brian Keene. If that book comes out I will take the case to the supreme court and go for the assets of Skullvines, Black Death Books, Blasphemous Books and the other publishing company you fucks are associated with. Since you assholes like to support the lie that Angry In Illinois created of my company, I will take it out on SkullPuke press.
You think I am a joke now? No I am ready to play hardball with all three of you, and what you done — all the snide remarks about me being locked in a padded cell. That was why I made the remark I made, and by the time I am done. It will be like Darren McKeeman getting fired from Gothic.net after he encouragred people to do malicious reviews without even paying for the book on Amazon.com. I know where Black Death Books got it’s name — it’s a no brainer from a line in one of Karen Koehler’s novels that were listed on Baen Universe.
You three knuckleheads pushed me around way too much, and now I am pushing back. I will be playing hardball to the highest degree and doing it what I should have done in 2008 when I found out you fucking numbskulls pulled with my memoir. Now I am going to make good on that one by having your three publishing operations dead, buried and forgotten in the landscape of horror. You want to plan the funeral arrangements of Lake Fossil Press, well the only way that company will be stopped is if you’re willing to commit murder.
See you assholes in hell.
Well Nick, I own my site so report me to myself all you want. I could post my bushy cock on here with your face drawn on the head, and the host I use wouldn’t give a shit. In fact… it’s tempting!
